Thursday, June 21, 2012

Aftermath

It's been a rough week, that's for sure.
There are moments when I am fine; smiling and happy even - but just as quickly as it comes - it goes. I was never very close with my dad; in fact, I haven't seen him since the last time he visited (which was a disaster and was almost 4 years ago). He called often though and when I let the reality of no more phone calls sink in - that's when I'm truly sad.
My voice-mail inbox has 16 messages from him; none of them more than a few seconds long. When I found those is when I broke down and finally accepted the truth. He's gone. And those messages are all I have left.

This post isn't meant to be depressing; because as we all know life is short and our time is precious and the last thing you need is someone making you feel sad. This post is mainly because of the amount of support I've seen. What has blown me away throughout this whole thing was the genuine kindness of other people. The small gestures acquaintances made to show their condolences. The flowers and card a parent brought me. The thoughtful texts and emails that my friends sent. Everyone knew that they couldn't ease the pain I was feeling - that there was nothing they could say that would make me feel better, but they wanted me to know that they were there and they cared.
That means a lot to me.

So to every single one of you who had a kind word to say or a hug to give - thank you. I'm not the best at showing how much I appreciate things - but from the bottom of my heart I appreciate it all.

Next week we'll be back to regular ridiculous blog posts where I continue to make fun of my amazing and incredible boyfriend (since he loves it so much and provides me with endless material.)


Again....
Thank you. 


Saturday, June 16, 2012

Dad


Last night my dad died.

            I stare at those words and my mind still cannot comprehend that this has really happened. I bounce back and forth between acceptance and earth shattering grief.
He never won dad of the year awards. He didn’t teach me to ride a bike or threaten my first boyfriend with bodily harm. 
He struggled with a severe alcohol addiction that ultimately took his life.
I remember as a little girl thinking my dad could do no wrong. When I was little he was bigger than life to me. He was handsome and creative – always finding a way to turn even a small corner of his living room into a place that was truly my own. I followed him around like a shadow, wanting to just be in the light that I always thought shined from his presence.
As we grow older we stop seeing our parents as giants and start seeing them for who they really are.
As I grew older and saw the human side to my dad and I became hard on him.
I was disappointed.
 I was hurt that he wasn’t more than he was. I couldn’t understand that he gave me the absolute best that he possibly could. He gave me everything that he was able to give. There were times when it didn’t seem like much, but looking back – I would give anything for one last “annoying” phone call. I would give anything to let him know that I love him – because I sure as hell didn’t say it enough.
It’s so cliché to go through the whole “life is short” mantra. We all know this – people can go at any moment – but we push it aside and let petty differences, old resentments and just plain stupid shit get in the way.
I can’t remember if I told him I loved him the last time I talked to him. I remember I was short with him because I was busy – my life was in the way – so I rushed him off the phone.
I don’t know how to deal with this.
I don’t know what to say to my family who is hurting.
I don’t even know what to say to my boyfriend or friends.
I don't even have a picture of him.
I am sad.
And I miss my dad.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Manhood Lost

Conversation I totally had with Vern last night while sitting on the couch:

Me: Hey, can I borrow your hair tie?
Vern: looks incredulously down at his wrist before pulling it off hesitantly *sigh* Yes, but I need it back.
Me: staring There are some things you should never hear your boyfriend say - and that is one of them.

Pretty sure a bit of his manhood was lost with that conversation - but at least he knows how I feel when I can't find a hair tie. Needless to say, I forgot to give it back and got an early morning text of "Where's my hair tie?"
Whoops.
Maybe it's time for a hair cut babe. :)