Last night my dad died.
I stare at
those words and my mind still cannot comprehend that this has really happened.
I bounce back and forth between acceptance and earth shattering grief.
He never won dad of the year awards. He didn’t teach me to
ride a bike or threaten my first boyfriend with bodily harm.
He struggled with a severe alcohol addiction that ultimately
took his life.
I remember as a little girl thinking my dad could do no
wrong. When I was little he was bigger than life to me. He was handsome and
creative – always finding a way to turn even a small corner of his living room
into a place that was truly my own. I followed him around like a shadow,
wanting to just be in the light that I always thought shined from his presence.
As we grow older we stop seeing our parents as giants and
start seeing them for who they really are.
As I grew older and saw the human side to my dad and I
became hard on him.
I was disappointed.
I was hurt that he
wasn’t more than he was. I couldn’t understand that he gave me the absolute
best that he possibly could. He gave me everything that he was able to give.
There were times when it didn’t seem like much, but looking back – I would give
anything for one last “annoying” phone call. I would give anything to let him
know that I love him – because I sure as hell didn’t say it enough.
It’s so cliché to go through the whole “life is short”
mantra. We all know this – people can go at any moment – but we push it aside
and let petty differences, old resentments and just plain stupid shit get in
the way.
I can’t remember if I told him I loved him the last time I
talked to him. I remember I was short with him because I was busy – my life was
in the way – so I rushed him off the phone.
I don’t know how to deal with this.
I don’t know what to say to my family who is hurting.
I don’t even know what to say to my boyfriend or friends.
I don't even have a picture of him.
I am sad.
And I miss my dad.
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so i dont know you but I can I say my father died 8 years ago... I still miss him to this day and it is cliche to say but we should all cherish every minute with our loved ones cause you never know....
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you in your grief. I too am missing my "Pop" today. We lost him Nov. 2, 2008. He too struggled most of his life with alcoholism, though, by the Grace of God, was able to find 16 years of sobriety in the later years of his life. He had become my "sober guy" as I too struggle with alcoholism and had gotten sober one year before he did (20 years ago now for me). I was blessed to have him as my father, drunk or sober and I miss him today and always. If there is one legacy anyone who has a loved one who struggles with this disease could leave, it should be to live a life free from alcohol themselves. For those of us who struggle with this disease, there is safety in sober numbers...we need you desperately on our team to combat this disease. If you drink and can easily quit, quit...if you need help to quit seek help. If you are living a life that requires that you regularly chemically tune out from, perhaps a better plan would be to stay fully present and change your circumstances rather than numb yourself to them and stay stuck. Don't ask yourself, "Am I an alcoholic?"...ask yourself "Is the small pleasure of my next drink worth the toll alcoholism is taking on society and it's most vulnerable members?"
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